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Bobby Toffee and Me
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Bobby Toffee was always cold. he had the coldest feet and the coldest hands. And the reddest nose. Though he drank a lot too. Bobby Toffee and me played games. Bobby and me would go out. Bobby Toffee and me were friends. He was best friends with everyone. Bobby was my best friend too. I didn't have any other friends, besides bobby. Bobby'd come visit me in hospital. He held my hand whilst I was sick. I'd take Bobby shopping and by the end he'd have taken me.
Bobby was like that. He had a lot of good ideas, and a lot of other people's good ideas too. But no-one ever resented the fact that Bobby always wanted to have got there first. Which was a big part of Bobby's personality. People just love the way he behaves a little mischievously. I don' t. Bobby ought to learn to behave properly, once in a while. It makes me angry he gets away with so much. Bobby fell on his feet the day he was born. But it's not my job to knock some sense into him. If his mummy can't be bothered then no way am I. Worst of all, when Bobby acts mischievous, everybody thinks they're his best friend. Bobby's only got one real friend. Me. I'm Bobby's best friend. Sometimes I don't want to be. He's so lucky, when he complains to me about the way people act, like sycophants because of him, it's difficult to sympathise. Bobby Toffee and me couldn't ever marry. Although he's asked me before. Like this - he'd come home red and be all crocodile tears about the way people expect him to be so 'on' all the time. Bobby'd expect me to be interested, and sometimes I could be. But when I wasn't, Bobby'd act like the whole world was against him. just the way he thought I felt. So then Bobby and me were made for each other. So he'd ask me to marry. So I'd give him that look. Bobby isn't the only man who deserves that look. He's just famous in my life for being the one who taught me when and how to use it. I didn't even know about it before I knew Bobby. He doesn't take it like you'd think. Bobby wakes up the next day and when we meet, it just the top of a page again.
Bobby Toffee and me played games. Bobby and me would go out. Bobby Toffee and me were friends. He was best friends with everyone. Bobby was my best friend too. Bobby taught me to play card games and win. He taught me to play chess, checkers, snap and gin rummy, jump rope, catch, bridge and shove ha'penny. Bobby loved to play catch especially. He'd take me with him just so he could play catch. If we ever drove anywhere, he'd be juggling his keys and throwing them over to me so that I could drive. If we went shopping in a supermarket we'd throw tins and boxes between us and into the trolley. Boxes of eggs and cartons of fruit juice. Bobby never dropped anything he caught. Sometimes I dropped a few. Bobby never chided me, only he made sure I caught the next one. And paid for the damages. Bobby would even come over and offer to take my dog Blue for a walk, on the understanding that I would play catch with him. Bobby and I would get to the park early enough for it to be empty enough. My dog blue was fat until Bobby came around. Now he runs a mile a day while Bobby and me play catch around the park benches and over the roads on the way home. Blue doesn't join in, me and Bobby never drop anything often enough for him to have any fun.
I'd never known anyone prefer the outdoors to the indoors as much as Bobby. When he came over, Bobby would knock on the window to make me come outside to meet him rather than knock on the front door so I had to opportunity to make him come inside. I have to get to Bobby in the front garden, and to make him come indoors can be impossible. Sometimes Bobby knows he's beaten me by the time I get out of my front door. Bobby only has to see that I'm wearing slippers or an apron, a pair of oven gloves or my glasses, and he knows exactly what to do. Bobby wants to show me how to be more natural, he wants me to just go outside, no matter what I'm wearing, no matter whether I'm ready or not. So Bobby sees my slippers and within an hour we've made it to his favourite pub, where there are domino sets and wooden tables with nine mans' Morris laid on them. Until Bobby gets so drunk he tries to swallow the marbles or smash them. He'd even steal the dominoes just so he could say to me he stole them, I think so we could play dominoes' wherever. Bobby says dominoes should be for everyone. When he got up this morning he was singing 'in the bleak midwinter' because he slept on them last night and now his back aches, Bobby growls as he stands and straightens himself out. I made Bobby eat the most breakfast I've seen him eat in weeks. If I don't see him eat, then I don't believe he ate. The way Bobby is, he needs food to provide him with the energy to last a whole day being Bobby. The way Bobby is, he needs food to make sure there's still enough Bobby to go round by the end. The way Bobby is, I need him strong enough to look after things when I get sick, off and on. And if you saw Bobby somedays you'd wonder if he could handle it. If I got sick, would he fall apart too? Funny, the one time I did lose it, Bobby took care of me perfectly, somehow all his problems cleared up long enough for him to call a doctor, take care of me before and after, and all in such a calm manner. Its' as if Bobby relied on me so that he could be difficult. By the time the doctor came, Bobby had literally talked me down.
When he said to me 'would you feel safer in hospital?' I answered instantly - no. From then on it got much better. I tore my hair out, I screamed my lungs out, I did my head in and I almost cried my eyes out. And when Bobby realised that this was progress, he returned to normal. So Bobby had to know everything that was going on. It's amazing what people fill their brains with; Bobby knew places, people and dates I don't even care to remember. Sometimes we couldn't even walk down the street together without a meeting or a story taking place. Even if Bobby' d spend the whole day moody ( because he had to or he wanted to for my sake ) Bobby would turn into Bobby the minute someone called his name. Whist the same thing happened to him, I just turned invisible. All his old acquantices would talk for hours ahead of me, and I put on my dumb, big smile. Mouth open, eyes open, etc. And after, when there was no Bobby left for them, they'd walk away imagining just what it was like to live day in and day out with someone like Bobby, like I do. But I don't mean to complain. Booby taught me that was the worst thing I could do - You don' t know what some people go through. I know you aren't always happy, but should remember the good times as well.
Which is correct. So I won't Living with Bobby is fun. There are many things that could be worse. Bobby'd see to that.
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